When I started this blog back in December, it was all that was on my mind. Sometimes with the way my brain is wired (read: neurodivergent) I get stuck on a thought. Well at that point in time it was – I want to start another blog. Yes, I say another because back in Covid times of 2020/2021 I did have a blog. I really enjoyed it at first, but then I got too perfectionist about it which made me give up all together.
This time around, I am trying really hard to not get into my perfectionist trap but the Inner Critic has already set up space in my brain.
Now, how to get out of that thought pattern:
I set a goal for myself to simply write for 10 minutes a day.
No specifics
No goals for posting
Just opening my computer and typing
That is my current strategy for getting back into this and reminding myself that this is something I desired to do.
I want this blog to be a space of honesty and growth. I have grown a lot over the years and want to continue to grow or ‘blossom.’ But that doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with things and I think it’s just as important to share those parts as well.
My Inner Critic
1. Thinking about something nonstop
When this happens, it feels all consuming at times. Then when I finally do the thing I’ve been consumed with (in this case, creating the blog), I get a quick hit of dopamine and then it’s gone and often times shame kicks in.
So back in December:
I kept thinking about it
kept thinking about it,
kept looking at the Bluehost website
and then finally I did it. I purchased the hosting and website and bam, I had a website again.
So, I started this blog and was super excited, I enjoyed choosing out my theme and colors and such. I created a few posts to get things started. And then I sort of crashed and didn’t feel the dopamine hitting my brain anymore.
Then the inner critic –
Why do you always do this?
Of course you weren’t going to follow through, you don’t follow through with anything
No one is going to read this anyway, why even try?
Yeah, that inner critic can be a real a-hole and it ended up working for a period of time. I stopped writing, I didn’t even look at my blog for weeks. (I will say the holidays played some role because we were super busy)
2. Perfectionism/Fear of Failure
Ever since I was a small child I have been a perfectionist. I have worked on this in adulthood and have made great strides, but sometimes the perfectionist in me still pops up. THis is an instance where I have seen it for sure. I’m not confident that my writing will be any good or that anyone cares about what I have to say, so instead of just writing and doing what I have a desire to do, I froze and did nothing at all for over a month.
This here now, me typing this up is me fighting this perfectionist desire in me. The truth is, my writing may not be great. Most people will not care about what I have to say. That is life, and that is okay. I need to remind myself of that frequently. I can do this anyway. I can do it for the maybe one person that sees it and finds some value in it. I can do it just for me, even if no one else finds value in it because writing a blog is something I have a desire to do.
What is failure really? My brain is telling me that it’s someone criticizing me, or not liking me or what I have to say. I need to tell the little girl in me that is afraid that it is okay.
She is safe and that is not failing, even if no one looks at this blog I will be getting something out of it and that can be enough
I think that failing in this instance would be letting my perfectionism and fear take over and not writing at all.
3. Imposter Syndrome
Subconsciously not feeling worthy, feeling like this is some silly little thing
And because of that, I haven’t even shared with my husband or anyone (except my one dear friend) about this desire to write a blog or the fact that I actually made one. This is something I need to dive into a little further in therapy and/or journaling. Is it shame I’m feeeling? Is it embarrassment? I’m not sure, but whatever it is, it has held me back from writing.
So, here is an imperfectly written post that is perfect for me because I showed up for myself today and wrote what I was thinking and feeling. Is there something you want to do that your brain is holding you back from?
